


Loose Lipped and Looser Morals

by vaderina



Series: Prompt Fills [6]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Humour, M/M, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 23:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13774815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaderina/pseuds/vaderina
Summary: Prompt filled: Percival is hit by a spell that turns off his brain to mouth filter. Suddenly he's babbling on about Seraphina's horrendous haircut, how his time with Grindelwald wasn't all that bad because at least the man can play chess and professing his undying love for one Newton Scamander because have you seen his hair? It's so soft, I love it so much, I wish he'd just kiss me but I'm too old for him.





	Loose Lipped and Looser Morals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kallistob](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallistob/gifts).



> This was written in a very merry half an hour.

The spell was something the fizzled out of a letter Percival’s secretary opened. Like the world’s most boring firework is fizzled and popped a slow meandering path to Percival where it gave a shower of sparks with a squeaky pop. As far as offensive spells went it was laughable. Of course there was an investigation into it, the origins of the letter and the spell were untraceable but so was the effect of the spell. Other than leaving the viewers feeling terribly disappointed there was no visible or detectable evidence left behind. The day continued on and the attempted spell was all but forgotten.

It wasn’t until lunchtime that things became a little more evident. Seraphina had graved the department with her presence and Percival was helping a junior auror with their report when she arrived. People greeted her and Percival rose, turning to say hello.

“Morgana’s tits you look like shit. Did a vulture make a nest of your hair this morning?” The shocked silence that filled the room was cold. Percival’s eyes went wide. “I mean. Even if Merlin had shaved half his ballsack with the aid of a geriatric goat’s nibbled it would have looked better than what has happened to you. Please put your headdress lower so we don’t have to keep staring at such a disaster.”

After gaping like a fish Percival turned away, cheeks red on a pale face.

“I’ll be in my office. Hopefully Newt will have left the lethifold there for my untimely demise. Not that he has a lethifold that is. Not at all. He has two.” A hand over his mouth Percival hurried into his office with as much dignity as he could muster. Everyone else stared in silence, looks were exchanged and nobody dared look at the president as she adjusted her headdress. Percival’s office door opened.

“I’m so sorry. But if anybody cares I’m okay. But I doubt you do. I’m not bitter at all. Just realistic. And could someone please bring me a shovel so I can dig this hole deep enough to qualify as a grave. Huh. Graves’ grave. Funny. People never appreciate my humour. Well, Grindelwald did. ” Percival shut the door while he muttered to himself. The few steps to his door and the sharp rap of Seraphina’s knuckles echoes through the silence. Nobody dared move as the door swung open.

“What do you want now, you bothersome pest? Don’t you have a country to run?” Someone let out a hysterical giggle even as Seraphina glowered. The door shut behind her with a certain amount of ominous finality. Immediately the mutters that had been held back erupted in a low murmur. It was only five minutes later that the door opened and their President and Director stood in the doorway.

“Please listen up, your Director has a few words to say.”

“My apologies to everyone for the little outburst, it would seem that we’ve found the effect of the miserable light show that dribbled out of the envelope much like sperm from a dick after a rubbish orgasm.” Seraphina elbowed him in the side. “What I mean is, if you are of a delicate nature and cannot stand brutal honesty you may go home and weep into your blanket because I am here to stay. I refuse to go home in case you forget that I exist and take in another maniac wearing my face because any direction is better than being left to your own pitiful existence.”

“Percival.” Seraphina’s voice was sharp.

“I am but your humble servant Madam Pussydent. Allow me to grovel at your feet while you bask in your untouchable elated station and let us plebs do your dirty work. Perhaps I might go down to the dungeons to relax. I did enjoy the isolation of my own damp basement to be honest. It was much more mentally stimulating than signing forms here all day. At least then when I had company it was of the vaguely intelligent kind. Nobody here knows how to play chess. Perhaps that will be the next skill to develop during training.”

The titters that went up around the room seemed to bring Percival back to himself and he stared at the floor. Even Seraphina looked torn between outrage and entertainment. She patted Percival on the arm and turned to the room.

“What your director means to say is, he will be in his office for the rest of the day. Please do no disturbed him unless it is absolutely vital and try to communicate with him in writing rather than verbally until the spell has run its effect.”

Everyone nodded but a few of the braver ones were already planning ways to exploit the amusement they could have at their boss’ expense. Just before people could return to their jobs the door opened again.

“Now there’s a fine specimen I wouldn’t mind examining up close and personal.” Percival’s comment slipped by almost unnoticed as people watched Newt amble in. He greeted a few of the aurors as he walked past. “I was born in the wrong decade.” Percival continued with a sigh. Seraphina looked at him and lost her battle against a light snort.

“Hello Percival.” Newt reached them finally.

“I wish you’d kiss me to say hello instead.” Percival’s mouth was running away again. Newt looked taken aback but a pleased flush spread across his cheeks. People watched with great interest at the latest developments in the disaster that their boss had become.

“Yeah?” Newt asked softy.

“Yes. Because then I could run my hands through your hair. It looks so soft, doesn’t it Sera? But I would get really jealous if you touched it. So don’t. Can I pet you?” Percival’s eyes were back on Newt. The room collectively held its breath as Newt reached forward and grabbed Percival’s hand, he guided it up towards his hair as he leaned in for a light kiss on a cheek.

“Perhaps I’d let you do more in your office.” Newt murmured with a sly grin. Without hesitation Percival grabbed his hand and pulled him back into his office. Before the door had a chance to close Percival stuck his head out. His tie was loose around his neck.

“In case you’re all too dumb to figure out. Do not disturb, I’m about to get laid. And nobody judge that I put out before a first date.”

**Author's Note:**

> Got a prompt? Send it on tumblr - @ladyoftheshrimp


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